Growing wiser is a perk of growing older until you realize that reality sometimes sucks.
I think reality is the problem that I’m facing, but I don’t know how to further define my issues. I don’t feel good, but my cold and my fractured/sprained ankle are only physical aspects of present maladies. Being a wise and insightful physician of life, I’m diagnosing myself with flu-like symptoms of the soul.
Something is missing is the phrase that keeps ruminating through my person, which is basically a sign of depression. I don’t think depression is what it is. I started digging deeper yesterday into what it is, exactly, that seems to be missing. I found that my former life is missing, or I miss my former life, which ever it may be.
One aspect is the physical part. I’m a bit broken at present. I have a cold that is greatly exacerbated by Spring allergy season. My ankle is horribly sprained, slightly fractured, and I now hobble like the elder who wears his waist at his chest. My hair is thinning, graying, and certainly receding. I have a small patch of strange-colored skin on the side of my head, which makes me automatically think I have skin cancer. And my shirts and pants seem to be shrinking. I blame the shrinking on the washer and dryer versus poor diet and lack of exercise. Some might call that a hitch in my wisdom.
Physical aside, I know that there is something else. My adventurous spirit and passion for spontaneity and lust for the different are all exhibiting strangely as if the moon no longer had gravitational authority over the tide. The power of my moon is missing.
I miss my friends, those who I used to frequently define as part of my personality. I miss the G-man, who died almost a year ago. I miss Uncle Ted, Otis, GROB and our regular adventures. These people made me laugh, and I don’t seem to laugh any more. I miss spur-of-the-moment escapades. I miss gathering with others without having to have a reason. I miss the inspirational connection and shear force that my moon brought to my life.
I’m not sure why I’m unable to adjust to these changes in my life. I have a good life; I have a wonderful daughter and a great wife. Of course there are marital issues from time to time, but it is a marriage, ya know. These things happen.
I believe in God and the power of prayer. I believe that the Lord will take care of the needs of family and me. I have good job and I’m pretty good at what I do. My household income allows enough money to pay the bills and have some fun. I have great friends, although they are a bit more absent than I would prefer.
I am also a member of a men-only small group at my church. Theses guys, I believe, would do anything they could for me if I were in need, but I’m missing a connection with them. I can’t seem to form a bond like I have with my other friends. I think it’s because I fear their judgment of who I am. It’s my fear of their judgment, mind you. I don’t think it actually has anything to do with them.
As with any parent and husband, my life revolves around the sun. In this case, the sun happens to be the two other women in my life. I’m constantly doing something for one of them, or something to improve our living conditions, or planning something that will make one of them happy. But I feel as if I’m running in place. One project ends, the list of others awaits. One bug killed is no different than the another waiting beyond the shadows for the shoe of death. In between, things break and need immediate action. Eight billion inconsequential decisions need to be eternally made, seemingly by me.
I wouldn’t give up any of it for anything, ever.
Why does it feel like I’m always working a job? Where did the laughter go? Why am I sounding like Otis?
What happened to my moon?
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Tim, Thanks for posting that. I can understand what you are going through because I experienced something similar a few years ago (not long before I meet you at the magazine).
Part of what I had experienced was things that built up over the course of my life but others were what I would call a “fear cascade” that happened to me. We had some family issues and traditions that changed because of death or poor health, I began to have fear that I was inheriting the same health issues my dad had, in particular his diabetes and oddly enough I started having some skin issues as well. I felt like I was falling apart literally and my general emotional state was not really one of sadness but one of “deadness” I wanted to laugh or cry but couldn’t do either. Some said I was have “mid-life” problem and I was literally feeling much older than I was.
My fear kept me from going to the doctor for a long time but eventually I talked to him and he perscribed mediacation for a mild general anxiety disorder. It didn’t feel mild to me.
Interestingly enough after taking the medication I felt more “sober” than I had in years. I eventually was able adjust my life style, get better sleep and exercise more to the point I could wean myself of the medicine (mine was Paxil CR). The pastor I had at the time was not a believer in medication but he did provide some excellent counseling in regards to the fears that had overtaken me. I’m 40 now but thanks to getting this situation looked into I now feel younger than I did when I was 30. I encourage you to talk to your doctor asap concerning your current mental situation, exercise more and talk to a Christian counselor you can trust. If you want to meet sometime and talk please let me know. I know you may feel alone but you are not.
Also I don’t know if you know Johnny Price who leads the Caleb Group in Greenville but he would be an excellent person to talk to regarding where you are coming from. He had experienced much of the same thing as well. I usually go to a lunch/Caleb Group talk most Weds (except when I have other plans or meeting). It meets in the theater section of coffee underground in downtown Greenville Wed. at noon.
The solution is simple. When your blue and you feel all down you need a trip to Rittman to let your self escape reality. It always works for me. It’s time Timmy for an excursion to the dark side of the moon. RITTMAN , RITTMAN, RITTMAN. Unfortunaly I am able to go once a month or so. So I suggest you plan a trip soon. Other options are to call your funny cousin he’s always good for a crack up when I am feeling down. Why just yesterday I spoke to him about you being excited about the reunion of 20 yrs. coming soon. He said oh you mean my cousin T the Orater you know he is gifted in the gift of gabb.
I’d expect GOD to keep you from feeling blue.
God is love!