Please Welcome The New Irish Bubba

Jack William Reilly. What? Are we in Camelot here? Am I kin (or close to kin) to the 2044 presidential candidate? How wicked cool is that. Or maybe, as Jay might hope, Jackie-boy could be an upcoming replacement for Mike Lowell. Who knows? Seeing as how the boy ain’t yet 24-hours old, maybe I should set my hopes on seeing him and his happily astounded parents home from the hospital safely.

There are very few words of wisdom, if any, which can prepare my buddy and his wife for the times to come. Inconsolable crying seemingly without reason isn’t logical and is very hard with which to cope. New babies cry a lot, too.

So to my friends I say a few things. These are not words of wisdom, but certainties.

Trying to describe the changes in your lives beginning right now is energy worthlessly spent.

  • Soon you will be peed on, and you’ll laugh.
  • Your decision to handle the present situation is the best…(uh, sans shaking).
  • Babies cry inconsolably at times because they have to expend their energy. It’s the only thing that they know how to do aside from eating and pooping.
  • When it comes to loving or holding your baby, too much is never an answer.
  • The complexity of growth and simplicity of a child will make you ponder your beliefs.
  • News stories about a child being harmed will illicit a new emotional meaning of rage and sorrow.
  • Your appreciation for your parents will drastically increase.
  • Your spouse’s business trip is no longer bachelor/bachelorette time.
  • The aroma of milk poop will become synonymous in your mind with being home.
  • Regardless of current size, you will need to go purchase a new hard drive for all of the digital photos and video.
  • Your protective instinct is very empowering
  • Having the grandparents baby sit, however often, isn’t taking advantage of them.
  • Scheduling a date night with your spouse, beginning right now, is unbelievable important.
  • You will soon understand the meaning of true, unconditional love.

An unexplainable space/time continuum force is about to enter your realm. The phenomenon is known in parental circles as T6O4O9M8U4C84H7S4H5I4T. It’s a force that acts very much like a black hole. It will find any randomly passing square inch of open space and suck it into an exponentially shrinking environment.

The paradox lies within what your eye sees and the actually math equaling the square footage of your home. It all looks and measure the same, but your living space continues to disappear day by day.

I’m currently working on my own equation to contradict this force but have yet to make substantial progress. So far I have SqFt>M=M+C2trashcan
M=T6O4O9M8U4C84H7S4H5I4T

 

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